no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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