If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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