just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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