omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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