glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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