I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
