I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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