I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
