you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
