I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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