I faked an abortion last night.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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