Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
