if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
