There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
