Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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