I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
