The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
