Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
