i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
