I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
