dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
