I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
