i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
All the doctor said was why
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
