Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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