Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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