Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
