How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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