Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
