She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I cut my penus on the lid.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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