my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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