remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
