Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
