I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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