Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
sarcasm needs its own font
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm at about main and main street
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
