Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
