Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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