I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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