hell yes lets make some ravioli
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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