Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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