We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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