yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
