I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We're using joints as your birthday candles
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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