I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
