I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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