my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
