Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
