I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
