You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
