His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
