Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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