Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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