We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
