i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
