I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
