I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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