I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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