is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
