Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The power of my boobs compel you
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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